QWERTY, McCain and History

By W. Michael McCormack

Some things are just downright fascinating. Take, for instance, the QWERTY computer keyboard that I am using right now. We call it that because these are the first letters across the top of the key-board as we read from left to right. In 1873, inventor Christopher Sholes produced the first practical machine that actually wrote faster than clerks could pen words in longhand. While working on the “box” he would eventually call the typewriter, his favorite test phrase was the campaign slogan of Republican presidential hopeful Ulysses S. Grant: “Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party.” Why? Because the word order allowed for quick use of all the fingers in learning the main keys that he had “scattered around” the keyboard in order to prevent the mechanical keys from jamming. Secretaries, who were all men at the time, found it hard to learn to type very fast but it was certainly faster than writing longhand with the pens of the day.

A short eight years later, in 1881, the YWCA, (the Young Women’s Christian Organization) in New York City caused an uproar in the community by offering a training course in typing for young women. In the words of one critic in the business community, it was “an obvious error in judgment by the well-meaning but misguided ladies of the YWCA.” Women who until then had worked at low-paying jobs in factories, schools or stores rushed to learn the trade, which offered a substantially higher salary and promised entry into the world of business. Women proved to be much faster and more precise than men. As they say, “The rest is history.”

Your question about now is, “Where is all of this going?” Well, I’ll tell you.

The young, QWERTY savvy, Obama campaign geeks have attacked John McCain for not being computer friendly. This is their way of implying that he is too old and out of touch with the average American to be President. Here’s the first memo to the Obama geeks.

Memo: In the first place, the reason McCain doesn’t use the computer is that true, C-level executives protect the jobs of hard-working typists who are trained to do that exact job and do it faster. It is a much-needed task and respectable; but not a prerequisite to be president. Do we want a president who likes to spend most of his time texting his friends about what Britney is wearing or meeting with his cabinet about the crucial issues of our time? With a staff of over 100 people in the White House, no president has ever been required to type on anything!

In the second place, and definitely more important, the reason, o wise Geeks, is that John McCain has trouble placing his fingers on the keyboard because of his war injuries. Try this exercise the next time you warm up your arms to write a negative piece about McCain. Have a fellow Geek tie your hands behind you then have them throw the rope end around a ceiling beam and hoist you into the air by your arms and beat you with a bamboo stick for a couple of hours while your shoulders dislocate. See if you feel like typing. While you are hanging there, answer this question, “Have you ever done anything that required sacrifice for your country?” Take your time. You have five years. That’s how long John McCain sacrificed for your future. And, hopefully, that, plus three more is how long you can work on the answers while he governs without using your QWERTY keyboard and your even Qwertier thinking.